Hate Is the Star
by Angel of Neptune
Summary: Struggling to deal with her past, Eve begins to feel the guilt of her evil deeds. R&R Complete


**Hate Is the Star**

**Xena: Warrior Princess**

**Angel of Neptune**

**888**

**DC: I do not own Xena.**

**AN: Yes, I know… a bit different of what I usual write, but I grew up watching this series. :)**

**888**

Dying flames of the camp fire reflected and danced in bright eyes of the calm viewer, the Messenger of Eli; Eve. She rubbed her hands together, retaining warmth as she gazed up towards the starry night sky silently, thinking to herself as she stood up from the log she was sitting on. Both of the other women were peacefully sleeping next to each other a few feet away from the camp fire; something she should have been doing, but Eve wasn't the tiniest bit tired at all.

Eve laid down on the heavy covers she had set up earlier in the night. Her hands rested behind her head, providing extra comfort. All this still seemed so foreign to her, especially being with Xena and Gabrielle. She didn't know of any way of life beyond the warrior's. A deep sigh escaped her as she rolled over, closing her eyes, only to reopen them to watch the once blazing camp fire die.

She felt her stomach turn into knots, tight knots. Her heart beat rapidly against her chest as a burning sensation built in her throat. No, not just that… It was the guilt of her evil-filled past, one that she wished to forget, no doubt.

She could still hear her victims screaming in agony, begging for mercy, but did she care? No, she took all their lives: men, woman and children. She sprinkled salt on their lands so the survivors could not grow any food to eat, but that was the least of what she did to them. She burned down countless of villages, just for her own entertainment; behead children and women in front of the men. Hell, she even drank the blood of her slain villains in her victory over nations. She was no better than a barbarian; the Bitch of Rome.

The pressure of hate built within as she sat up, frustrated beyond belief. She wanted to scream, to let it all out, but then she would wake Mother and Gabrielle for sure.

Eve couldn't help but laugh silently to herself. The word 'mother' was a word she never had to use before. She considered the great city of Rome to be her 'mother.' She came so close to marrying royalty and power, but Xena had quickly tricked her out of it. She had to hand it to her, Xena was pretty slick. Mother had never stopped loving her, even after finding out that she was a proud Roman warrior. It didn't matter, Eve was still her little girl.

Gabrielle, on the other hand, was a very different story or so she guessed, of course. Yes, her dear 'Aunt' must have loved her, but there had to be an amount of hate whether she denied it or not. Behind anger, there were words of truth, action in this case. Livia murdered Joxer and Gabrielle wanted revenge for her friend's death. Livia or Even, she was still the murderer. Time and time again, Gabrielle said she was sorry and didn't mean anything about it; that the furies made her do it. Eve accepted every apology offered and was grateful when Gabrielle stood up for her or reassured her whenever people wrongly accused her. But… there was a glint in her 'Aunt's' eyes… One that clearly stated she could never truly forgive Eve for what she had done.

She shook her head as she sat up. It was no use. She wasn't tired; she wasn't going to be able to fall asleep, not this night. Eve stood up and silently crossed the camp, heading towards the calm lake. They always camped her some type of body of water; Xena loved to fish as she quickly learned.

Eve stood at the beach, stripping off her clothes until she stood in her under garments. She took a step into the cool water and released a relaxing sigh as she walked in knee deep. Eve laid back and simply floated, once more staring up at the night sky, watching a blazing shooting star soar across brightly.

Wishing on a million stars wouldn't help her forget about the wickedness of her shameful past. Just laying her in the lake was bringing up haunting memories all together. She remembered drowning the young children, watching them struggle for life under her mighty hands. She robbed them of their lives at their young age for amusement. How did she ever become this cold hearted; so twisted?

Would Xena really have made a difference? The Warrior Princess stated that she would have raised her so differently. She would have saved her from the monster she had willingly become. Eve would have never even have to step foot in Rome. She could have been a normal girl growing up, not some super warrior.

Eve inhaled deeply and dived into the water, lazily swimming around as she pleased, being guided by the moonlight. The thrill of a midnight swim was always pleasing, you never really knew where you are, you just needed to use your best judgment, especially when light was very limited.

"Eli, help me." She mumbled upon re-surfing. Slowly, she walked out of the lake dripping wet. Eve gathered her dry clothes in her arms before heading back to the camp sight. It was no use really, but she was going to lay down and rest until dawn.

**888**

The following morning, Xena was packing away the camp while the bard sat on a dry log, writing away at her new scroll. Gabrielle knew clearly well that they weren't going anywhere any time soon. Eve was out; fast asleep like a rock, who showed no sign of waking in a recent time.

"We'll be missing the street market." Xena stated as she brushed Argo II's mane. "Nothing we can't get in a shop-"

"More expensive." Gabrielle murmured under her breath, looking up from her scroll. "We don't have much."

"Fish is free. We'll eat fish." Xena shrugged her shoulders. "You didn't hear her last night. She must have left camp a couple of times and didn't fall asleep until dawn."

Gabrielle rolled up her scroll and placed it in her bag, "Then I'll get some fire wood. Fish again sounds… great." She stood up and dismissed herself.

Xena silently watched the bard disappear into the forest. A small sigh came forth as she knelt down next to her daughter. She brushed back strands of hair from the young woman's face and behind her ear. Eve curled up slightly in reaction, pulling her covers to her body as Xena stood back up.

**888**

Her bright eyes fluttered open just in time to watch Xena walk towards the direction of the lake: the path she had taken last night. The young woman sat up and stretched her arms over her head before pulling out one of Gabrielle's scrolls. She personally loved reading the adventures her mother took part in twenty-five years ago, even beyond that.

She unraveled the scroll and began to read where she had left off yesterday. This scroll was about the time when her mother and Gabrielle had first met the evil Goddess, Callisto.

Callisto.

Shivers ran up and down her spine as she tired to quickly shake them off. Callisto… Eve never knew the warrior Goddess. Callisto was murdered by Xena herself a handful of years ago. Eve shared that soul. Her victims often had compared her to Callisto or spat they had lived through Callisto's rule and she didn't scare them. They were always the first people to be beheaded due to their big mouths. She wanted to be better than some warrior Goddess. Hell, she was better than that warrior Goddess, people were just too hard headed to even realize it. She was going to marry the world's strongest empire ever.

Her stomach began to turn and tie into tight knots once gain; that nervous guilt was starting to make her sick. She rolled up the scroll and placed it aside before rubbing her forehead, trying to rid herself of this self-hate. She couldn't change her past no matter how hard she wished for it. Eve laid back on her bedroll, still feeling a bit sick, resting the back of hand against her head.

"Hey, you're awake."

Eve looked up. Gabrielle placed the gathered firewood onto the ground with a slight smile. Eve smiled in return. "Had a rough night? It's nearly mid-day."

"Yeah, pretty rough." Eve sighed. "Did you and mother head to the market?"

Gabrielle shook her head, "Xena wanted you to rest instead of going into town-"

"It's only mid-day, as you said. The market should still be lively." Eve pointed out, but Gabrielle, once more, shook her head.

"We'll survive on fish. We have before." She started to snap the wood in half as she began to work on building the campfire. Silence quickly fell between them; an awkward silence at that. She knew Gabrielle wouldn't say anything else unless it was needed.

"Gabrielle." Eve sighed, getting the bard's attention. "You have told me time and time again that you have forgiven me, but time and time again, I feel that I must say it once more-"

"That's not true, Eve." Gabrielle interrupted. "I forgave you the first time and then time and time after that. I don't blame you for Joxer's death and his death has been avenged by yourself. You killed Livia, Eve.. That, I am most grateful for." The bard explained, causing the young woman to smile as she stood up.

"Livia and I are the same being…" She spoke softly. "Joxer was slain by my own hand; the hand of both Even and Livia."

"Honey, trust me." Gabrielle looked up from the fire she was building. "You and Livia are very much two different people. You are a messenger of Eli; Livia was the-"

"Bitch of Rome." Eve mumbled.

Gabrielle nodded, "Yeah."

"I'm going to help Mother."

**888**

Xena inhaled deeply the fresh lake air as she sat on the dock. She loved fishing ever since she was a young child. Her brother and she would go whenever they had the chance. It was relaxing. It helped her think more clearly.

"Instead of watching, why not join?" Xena questioned as a smirk began to play her lips. Eve must have been standing there for a minute or two tops. She glanced over her shoulder towards the woman who was loitering a few feet behind her. Eve flashed a small smile before sitting down next o her mother.

"Not really biting, are they?" Eve asked softly, casting her eyes out towards the lake.

Xena shook her head, "No, but I'm pretty sure we'll get something within the next few minutes."

"Hopefully, I suppose." Eve mumbled as she sighed lightly.

"So, what happened last night?" Xena asked as she gazed over towards her daughter. "I heard you wandering around the camp."

"I… I couldn't sleep." Eve answered. "I was bothered with thoughts, until early morning. Sorry if I woke you or Gabrielle."

"You have no reason to be sorry for anything." Xena pointed out. "Honey, I'm your mother. If something is bothering you, I want to know. What's wrong?"

"Livia."

"Livia's dead." She spat. "Long dead. Don't think otherwise."

"That's what you both say; you and Gabrielle. 'Livia's dead, don't worry,' but that's not true. Livia's alive; she is my past-"

Xena jerked at the stick she was using as a fishing rod. She turned her head slightly to face Eve, "And you and I both know clearly well that we can never change our past, no matter how hard we try. We should especially know that."

"I feel that I should be punished for my crimes." Eve commented, shaking her head. "I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who thinks so. I was a monster."

"Stop with the self-hate. It's not going to get you anywhere." She remarked. "It's going to become a part of you. It will devour you… I remember back when your brother Solan was killed… Ever limb in my body hated Gabrielle for letting Hope live… Blinded by hate, I nearly killed the person I love."

"So, what you're saying is… if I'm not careful, I could end up committing suicide because of my self guilt?" Eve questioned.

Xena nodded, "Don't let hate be the star, basically. I don't want to loose you." The rod gave a random jerk. Xena instantly pulled the fish onto the shore.

Eve nodded slightly as well, "I think I'll go help Gabrielle with the campfire." She stood up.

"We leave tomorrow at dawn. Be sure to get enough sleep tonight."

**The End**


End file.
